White House Says Debt Ceiling Deal Close – Key Concessions Now On The Table

Leuterers National Desk, Washington, D.C.

In a press conference moments ago, The White House offered hope that the nation’s debt ceiling crisis may soon come to an end. Speaking in the press briefing room Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre had this to say,

“Speaker McCarthy has responded favorably to the President’s offers put forth in a private call this morning and we expect a debt ceiling deal to be forthcoming. As we all know, the key sticking points have been appeasing the GOP Freedom Caucus members’ demands. We have addressed those and come up with solutions which Speaker McCarthy has expressed approval for. Those include and are not limited to the following:

1. Speaker McCarthy will hereby be referred to as the ‘Coolest Speaker of the House since John Goodman in the West Wing.’

2. Discretionary spending funds will be set aside to cover the costs of:

a. Lauren Boebert’s divorce settlement custody battle of the family AR-15 collection in addition to one year’s fully paid subscription to the dating website, Tinder.

b. A complete makeover for Marjorie Taylor-Greene by celebrated Kardashian make-up artist Mario Dedivanovic, though as we all know, there is only so much Mario can do.

c. Creating a special lowered age of consent zone – to 14 – in a fifteen foot perimeter around Matt Gaetz while in D.C. in addition to cosmetic forehead reduction surgery.”

Ms. Jean-Pierre concluded her remarks taking no questions from the assembled reporters stating the president would soon be addressing the press corps in person to announce more specifics of the deal which may include offering George Santos a signed certificate stating he is the greatest New York Ranger player since Mark Messier.