Leuterers Financial Desk, New York, NY
Wall Street Spokesperson Marena Delacroix Abernathy-Jones announced today that Wall Street will no longer supply real-time trading charts to individual investor/traders.
Said Abernathy-Jones, “Real-time charting being available to the great un-washed, um…It’s not working for us. It’s not that we don’t want their involvement, retail traders, of course we do. We just don’t want them generating returns we haven’t yet allocated for them. This is America and we want everyone to be able to participate in responsible trading and investing, even the working class. But it’s better for everyone if they let their employers do it for them.
“Therefore, we’ve decided a return to the good old days is in order. The days of old, of bread and honey for all, when if you wanted to trade, you waited until your lunch hour after you’ve stowed away your ditch digging shovel, cattle prod, fry pan or what have you, washed your hands, hopefully, found a payphone and called your broker to make a trade. And when you wanted to see how it made out, you picked up a copy of the next day’s paper and checked the financial pages. And we will continue to supply that financial information to the average investor free of charge, less the cost of the newspaper of course.”
Ms. Abernathy-Jones closed her statement with the following, “What’s good for Wall Street is good for America. And what’s not good for Wall Street is not good for America. Let’s not forget that. Therefore, if you see a retail trader with a real-time streaming chart, do your part, step away and immediately call us at 1-800-STOPLOSS, where we have operators standing by ready to dispatch armed compliance squads on a moment’s notice.”