Biden Announces Free Trauma Counseling Services For Tesla Bulls

Leuterers National Desk, Washington, D.C.

Moments ago, President Biden announced a free government service to help Tesla Bulls deal with the trauma surrounding the stock’s recent collapse in price.

Said Biden, “And hey, man. It won’t cost the taxpayers a dime. We’re using EV tax credits we’ve recently removed to offset the cost.”

Biden went on to explain how the program would work:

“First of all, I want to reach out and say hey, man. I understand. My old man worked at the factory and we struggled. We didn’t have a lot of dough, you know. And we had debts. So I know what those margin calls must feel like. But hey, man. You gotta answer the phone. Pay your debts. Be good Americans. We’re in this together, even though most of us saw this coming, that Elon…whew, what a whackjob, but he too is eligible to use our services. It might do him some good.

“Trauma is no joke. And the kind of trauma you Tesla bulls are experiencing is gut wrenching, soul splitting, the kind of trauma that not even a good Kenny Loggins song can shake you free of. By the way, all of Kenny Loggins’ songs are good. Hey, man they’re great. Like Footloose. Cut loose, shake off those Sunday shoes. Great stuff. That’s America. It’s great and we’re great together. So hey man, if you or someone you know are a Tesla Bull, then reach out, don’t hesitate and call our trauma counseling hotline for three free 15 minute sessions –further sessions will be charged at a rate no greater than the theta decay portion of your call premiums, just to show you how much we really care.”

Biden completed his statements taking no questions except to release the Tesla Bull Trauma Counseling Hotline number which is 1-800-IHURTBAD