Leuterers Business Desk – New York, NY
Elon Musk today announced the addition of new features to the X social media app. Said Musk in a X Spaces conference with X software developers Herman Himmel and Greta Schwarzherz, “In keeping with my promise to make X the everything app, we are adding new features immediately. Simply update the app and the new features will be ready to roll. Before anybody starts complaining and hating on me over the Ident-A-Jew feature, which the woke mind virus liberals will say is controversial, the first thing you need to know is that it isn’t the only new feature. There are plenty of others just as useful. Let me hand things over to my two ace devs, Hermann and Greta.”
At this point in the conference call Schwarzherz said, “Yavol, Elon. Das Ident-A-Jew feature is a vonderful feature, just vonderful. All you do, you point camera at suspect, you don’t have to take picture, just point in app and cutting edge Doji AI will identify for you and tell you if suspect is Jew.”
Himmel then interrupted saying, “What Greta means is not to say ‘suspect,’ but to say ahhh…person. Her English is not so good. This feature is not slanted against Jews or anybody else because remember, if the person is not a Jew, then they’re somebody else. And the feature should not be in any way thought of as biased but rather helpful. Who doesn’t want to know if the people they are dealing with or see walking down the street are Jews? Right? Everybody does. It’s helpful, that’s all.”
But let us not get caught up in this one useful feature. We also are rolling out the Ident-A-Lib feature. This requires no camera work and employs yet more cutting edge industry leading AI from our Doji computer by simply using the phone’s mic to analyze the terms and vocal inflections used by the unsuspecting speaker to within mere moments identify that person as a Woke Mind Virus Liberal. And that too can be helpful, very helpful.”
Musk concluded the session saying, “Thank you, thank you to two of my most devoted devs for explaining this to folks in a manner easy to understand. I am often misunderstood because I am so much smarter than everybody else. I’m sure all my supporters share in my excitement at the addition of these two features. And by the way, these features will be added to the suite of wonderful apps available on all Teslas. Who’s to say, you never know when you might need to identify a Jew or a Liberal when you’re stopped at a crosswalk and in a hurry.”