Leuterers International Desk Geneva, Switzerland
In a press conference held at the Kremlin earlier today, Russia has announced to the world that it will dissolve, cede its territory to the Finns and move on to better things. Spokespersons addressing the press on behalf of the failed nation were many and included entertainment icons Boris Badanov and Natasha Fatale.
A visibly emotional Mr. Badanov stated, “We had a good run. No, the truth is we’ve had a terrible run. We Russians absolutely, how you say in America…suck, yes, we suck at running a country. We can no do communism, we can no do capitalism, we can no do military dictatorships, and we were no good at all with czar thing. We should have stuck with ballet, gymnastics, and East German women’s swimming.”
A stoic Ms. Fatale then took over stating, “What Boris say is true. We Russians, we good at almost nothing. Nothing but causing problems for rest of world. But along with many of my comrades I remain, how you say, optimistic. I look forward to applying for lead position with Finnish secret police. I have much experience and can still turn a head or two to gain trust of enemy agents.”
When asked by reporters where President Putin was and why he was not in attendance at such a momentous announcement, a third spokesperson, Maria Alyokhina of Pussy Riot fame, took to the podium to answer. “I am sorry to report Mr. Putin is unable to attend today. He tragically slipped in the shower this morning and has been hospitalized in so-so condition. I have been told he is enthusiastic, was ready to take a break anyway, and if he recovers he looks forward to a long recuperation holiday in Cuba at the Guantanamo Resort.”
The press conference concluded with final words from Finnish Prime Minister, Sanna Marin who stated, “We are happy to take Russia off the hands of the Russians. We will be splitting it up evenly with Ukraine. Russian citizens, following brief to less brief stays in deprogramming camps, will be welcomed as new Finns or new Ukrainians.”