Study Reveals Justice Department Rigged – Out To Get Criminals

Leuterers National Desk, Washington, D.C.

The renowned Leuterers/ACME Group of scholars, historians, legal professionals, three trained monkeys, a very inquisitive squirrel, and a retired milk-cow named Daisy have concluded an exhaustive study into whether or not the US Judicial System is rigged.

The spokesperson for the group, M’Shaunia DeSouza-Epstein-Jones, offered the following statement in a press conference moments ago:

“As many of you know, the Leuterers/ACME Group, which is comprised of some of the greatest minds on the planet, have issued a report on this most pressing question of the day. Is our Judicial System, that unique  system of laws which we hold supreme above all else that has come before and since, is it sound? Has it remained necessarily dynamic so to evolve in a manner to address change without compromising the basic tenets of equality and equity for all from which it was born?

And above all else, is our System of Justice  rigged?

The monkeys, the squirrel, and Daisy all agree with the various individually renowned and highly celebrated specialists they worked with on this project. The Group’s collective and unanimous answer was yes, the system is sound, has remained dynamic, and it is rigged. It is designed to provide a system of fairness between people in all aspects of life, it evolves when necessary, and is biased against those who attempt to subvert it for selfish and harmful reasons. It is rigged against criminals and provides means to investigate them, arrest, arraign, indict, and prosecute them. All while offering a basic presumption of innocence, with guilt only assessed within a court of law and through a trial before one’s peers. Again, yes, it is rigged. It’s rigged against criminals.”

Ms. DeSouza-Epstein-Jones concluded her remarks saying the Group would now retire to its thinktank retreat at Yesiam-Wateru on the central California coast to address other pressing matters of the day. She went on to state that the Group had no comment at this time regarding a rumored merger with the EarthRaft Foundation.