Elon Apologizes – Tesla Rises Pre-Market

Leuterers Business Desk, Palo Alto, CA:

In an early morning Twitter Spaces conference with shareholders, Tesla CEO Elon Musk has apologized for his recent behavior sending Tesla shares soaring in pre-market trading.

The embattled CEO spoke with Gary Black and Ross Gerber, two long term outspoken Tesla bulls.

When Black asked Musk if he felt his behavior of late had affected the rapid fall in value of Tesla stock, Musk replied, “Well, yes Gary. And I’m sorry. I’ve been a real douche lately. And the last thing I want are you and Ross mad at me.”

Gerber then spoke up saying, “Elon, Elon, Elon. We were never mad at you. We were just, uh, concerned.”

Musk then replied, “What’s done is done, let’s move forward and I have good news, guys. I promised the South Koreans I’d have my buddy Xi keep a hot hand on that nutty Kim Jong-un and they’re buying up a storm in pre-market! I guess I forgot to tell them it’s only for a week.”

In unison, both Black and Gerber replied, “Gosh Elon, you’re so awesome. Is there anything we can do to help get things back on track?”

At this point in the interview another person joined in, Musk rose and engaged him with a bro-hug and the two sat side by side, thighs touching on a chaise lounge chair. Musk then replied to Black and Gerber’s question with, “As a matter of fact boys there is. Dmitry, you two know Dmitry Medvedev, right? You know, from the Kremlin? Anyway, my good buddy Dmitry and I both need our shoes shined. Hey Matt, go get a couple of polishing towels for these guys. And make it snappy, Taibbi!”