A new miracle cure has been introduced by Nugentonics Biomedical, a division of Bigger and Better Pharma, Inc. A single daily dose of Fixitall resolves every problem ever experienced by mankind. Fixitall treats everything including obesity, depression, aching muscles, diabetes, obsessive thinking, poor grammar, excessive flatulence, thoughts of doom, future tripping, ingrown toenails, hemorrhoids, delusions of grandeur, and an unreasonable attraction to the band U-2.
One daily dose of Fixitall will solve all your problems. Fixitall is covered by most medical plans. We also have Teen Fixitall for kids and Senior Fixitall for Granny and Gramps. Consult your doctor before taking Fixitall.
Side effects of Fixitall include, but are not limited to, severe stomach cramps, stools the shape and consistency of golf balls, death, near death, imminent death, reverence for Charles IV-the last ruler of the Austro-Hungarian Empire-and all he stood for and believed in, a keen interest in geology, and haunting thoughts about what a different world it would be today if Michael Dukakis had been elected in 1988.
Don’t take Fixitall if you are pregnant (especially important for men planning to become women) planning to be pregnant, have ever been pregnant, or know anyone who has ever been pregnant. Don’t take Fixitall if you’re planning on advancing your career in the field of Auto-mechanics, Barista technician, Grocery, or Financial Management. Never operate heavy machinery if you take Fixitall or even think you need to take Fixitall. Stay off the peanut butter and jelly, moderate ice cream consumption, don’t eat hot fudge, get a job and put a portion of each paycheck away in a tax deferred retirement plan. For a complete list of all side effects go to Nugentonics.com/Fixitall/sideeffects or call 1-900-FLIPOUT.