Iran Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has vowed revenge upon the entire world for last week’s killing of the nation’s top nuclear scientist, Mohsen Fakhrizadeh. There is no evidence that anyone outside of Iran was involved in the assassination and in fact many experts suggest it was the Ayatollah himself who had Fakhrizadeh killed for not yet creating a nuclear weapon powerful enough to wipe out the entire planet.
The Ayatollah issued the following statement over the State run media outlet, DTAR (Death To America Radio), “If you think I’m ugly with the beard just wait until you see me without it. Why do you think I grew it to begin with? I’m so ugly I have to wear a bacon necklace just to get my dog Sparky to sit on my lap. And that’s with the beard! Death to America! Death to Israel! Death to the World! And Donald Trump, well, he’s ok, he can come golf with me at Ayatollah Dunes. We have quite a 19th hole there if you get my drift, heh, heh, heh.”