Leuterers National Desk, Washington, D.C.
President Trump has named Laura Loomer as his current first choice for Supreme Leader of Iran, replacing the Ayatollah Khomeini who was killed days ago following Israeli and American airstrikes in Iran last Saturday.
Trump stated in a press conference held moments ago, “She’s perfect for the job. She’s tough and the Persian people respect that. They want a tough leader. And a woman. A tough woman who looks Persian. And Laura looks very Persian. She has the Persian eyebrows and has a very serious Persian expression. She’s very Persian looking and not everyone knows the Iranians are Persians. But I know this. Persians are very smart. The smartest Iranians. Smart people. Laura knows this, she’s very smart, much smarter than the fake news reports and I’ve told her many times, ‘Laura, you are very Persian. You’re smart and you’re tough.’”
When asked if he had considered the recently removed DHS head Kristi Noem for the job, Trump replied, “I had considered it. She too is tough. But Laura has the Persian eyebrows. Kristi’s eyebrows no, not Persian at all. Very American. Very American eyebrows.”
Trump went on to add, “The Persians love me. Because I’m tough. The Iranians, maybe they don’t love me so much, but the Persians love me, though until they get the Iranians in line, we’ll have to see how much I love them back. And Laura, she’ll help with that. She looks good in that hijab, doesn’t she? She looks tough. And she’s loyal. Loyal to me. And that’s what the Persians who love me want. A tough leader loyal to me.”
When asked by this reporter what qualifications Ms. Loomer had to lead a nation of 80 million people, the President replied, “Fake question from a fake reporter. I don’t talk to fake news. But if I did, I would tell you to open your eyes, Weinhard, and look at her. Have you ever seen tougher Persian eyebrows?”