Leuterers Regional Desk, Redmond, WA
Leuterers ace field reporter, Tumbleweed Jack Smith, yesterday braved the war zone of Portland, Oregon to file this report:
As you can see from the photo, the Antifa menace is very real. Upon first arriving, a dragon and shark were spotted and by the time my team and I were able to escape the melee of the battle zone, they had been reinforced by a unicorn and a T-Rex.
We were able to gather only minimal information from the citizens on the ground. Many would not consent to interviews stating reasons ranging from being in a hurry to work, a yoga class in the park, or off to see a photo retrospective of Ruth Bader Ginsberg at a local gallery.
When asked if these claims were spurious and stated out of fear of retribution by the Antifa Menace, citizens would not respond. Though one man passed a note to my photographer which read, “You’ve seen Godzilla movies, right? You see that T-Rex? Godzilla is like a warm cup of chai on a rainy day in your favorite bookstore compared to that T-Rex.”
This account by a citizen so terrorized he would not speak aloud, though courageous enough to pass a note, may offer more than enough justification for Secretary of War Hegseth to enact his plan for an all out air assault on the city, as tanks and troops on the ground have been unable to vanquish the ongoing threats. Hegseth’s plans appear to have been accidentally leaked in a file attached to a Grindr app message board. The file, sent to Leuterers by a Grindr user, who anonymously identifies as @I’ll-be-your-daddy-2, apparently has had numerous interactions with Hegseth.
This is a developing story. More will be reported once Smith and his team are safely back in Redmond, WA. Godspeed.