House Votes To Hold Wrestling Match to Settle Issue of Speaker Selection

Leuterers National Desk: Washington D.C.

The GOP majority and Democrat minority in the House moments ago reached consensus on the matter of the Election of Speaker. Two key players, both rising stars of the GOP brain-trust, Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor-Greene, brokered an agreement to settle the highly contentious ongoing matter of electing a Speaker of the House.

Representative Boebert, setting down her trademark AR-15, stated, “We’re going to clear out that area in front of the podium. The wrestling ring will go right there. Then we’ll see who’s the toughest chick in this caucus.”

Representative Taylor-Greene offered, “Ha! The toughest chick in this caucus, I only hope Boebert and Goetz are in that ring when Kev’ tags me in. I’ll show her tough. That little two-bit has been truck-stop trollop is gonna wish she never messed with me.”

The vote for the wrestling match had some opposition among the GOP but the Democrats’ minority 212 ayes carried at 359-76. In a follow-up vote, House members again showed rare solidarity in approving the rules of the match which allow for only limited hair pulling, name calling, and body slams. There was no clear language in House Resolution H.Res 2023-1 as to how the outcome of the match would settle the issue of Speaker selection among GOP members.

Democrat Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries, passing out popcorn to fellow Democrats, had only these words on the matter,

“Are you ready to rummmmmmble? We’re ready to rummmmmmmble!”