Facebook To Launch New App, ToyTake, Aimed At Highly Profitable Toddler Market

Facebook today announced the launching of its new social media app ToyTake. ToyTake is a real-time social media forum which allows for its subscribers to possess virtual toys in a virtual playroom. A user gains points by taking the toys from other users. A user may then use their points to get more toys from a virtual toy store. Users lose points when sharing a toy.

Facebook spokesperson Emilio Shawana Majavishi-Jones stated, “We at Facebook are proud to announce the worldwide release of ToyTake. The app is designed to appeal to young people of three to five years old and we are sure it will provide them with hours of fun and excitement while also exposing them to their exciting world to come filled with wonderful Facebook social media.”

A Facebook whistleblower recently released internal documents relating to a year long beta testing of the ToyTake app which showed that 95% of the users aged three to five years old needed medication to control their anxiety, depression and aggressiveness after only one month of using the app.  

When asked about this internal report Majavishi-Jones replied, “Listen, those kids were going to need to be drugged no matter what. It’s not our fault. Why not ask me about the five percent who ended up with all the toys? Huh, Why not ask me about them, you bleeding heart liberal fake reporter working for a horrible failing news organization? Those five percent are happy kids and here at Facebook we are one hundred percent all in for happy kids.”