Governor Brown Orders Duck Fans To Stay Inside

Governor Kate Brown ordered Oregon Duck fans to shelter in place tonight saying, “Please don’t show your faces in public. You lost to Stanford. You had that game in the bag and you let them win.”

Shane Johnson, a twenty eight year old, seventh year sophomore at the U of O said, “We got robbed by the refs. We don’t get any respect from the national media. They ganged up on us and made us lose. It’s a witch hunt and conspiracy perpetrated by Antifa and the Pac-12.” Johnson was the recipient of a radical-electro shock therapy, developed specifically for Duck fans. The therapy was administered to Johnson and thousands of Duck fans by emergency public safety order from Governor Brown after their punishing and soul crushing loss to the Oregon State Beavers last season.

Johnson, crying and sobbing said, “We’ll never lose another game. Never.”