In an early morning press conference held at Mar-a-Lago former President Donald Trump has announced he will leave politics to focus on improving himself through, “an exploration and application of spiritual principles designed to identify and rectify my many defects of character.”
In addition to embarking upon a trek along the Camino de Santiago through the south of France into northern Spain – a centuries old pilgrimage route – Mr. Trump has planned a six month stay at a silent Buddhist Monastery in Nepal for later in the year.
Trump began the morning’s announcements with the following statement:
“My fellow Americans, and my fellow human beings on planet Earth, I am sorry. I have acted horribly over the last seven years, well, really over the last seventy three years ever since I pushed little Jimmy O’Reilly in front of the school bus back in First Grade. Poor Jimmy walked with a horrible limp all his life, became an alcoholic, went bankrupt three times, and was married and divorced five times. But he won the PowerBall lotto last year, bought a state of the art prosthetic leg, and married a retired actress from the San Fernando Valley so it all worked out in the end. Who knows, maybe I did him a favor, you should see his wife, she’s a beauty.”
Trump continued, stating he would not take any questions from reporters but would offer the following,
“I woke up yesterday morning and looked in the mirror and saw a tired, angry, and vindictive old man and realized, I need to turn this around. I want to become the man I always knew I could be. A kind man, a gentle man, an understanding man, and a man of peace, love, and harmony to all.
“So I immediately went to REI and picked up the best hiking gear you can lay your hands on for the pilgrimage trek through France and Spain. Beautiful boots, beautiful backpack, beautiful hiking shorts and then I booked the stay at the monastery. The most beautiful monastery in Nepal, I don’t know, maybe the whole world. The only thing that would make it better is if it was a Trump property and who knows, maybe it will be when this is all over. Maybe the monks will want a golf course. I’ll bet you can drive a ball 500 yards when golfing at 18,000 feet in the Himalayas.”