Leuterers Business Desk, New York, NY
Wall Street announced today that it will return money lost by retail investors new to options trading. Stated Wall Street before today’s opening bell, “We feel bad. We really do. All that pandemic stimulus money paid out to Americans who had lost their jobs and they turned around and invested in the stock market trading options. They were morons and had no idea what they were doing.”
Wall Street continued, saying, “We are also very pleased to announce the tax break for the return of money to morons amounts to revenue increases handily beating analysts’ projections. And our guidance for the upcoming quarter has increased due to our newly minted derivative products in the form of Moron Money™ Futures and our Moron Money™ ETF’s.”