Leuterers National Desk, Washington, D.C.
The Trump Campaign has announced the removal of the junior Ohio Senator J.D. Vance from the Trump 2024 ticket and the addition of his replacement, Hannibal Lecter, the fictitious character from the 1991 film Silence of the Lambs.
Donald Trump, an adjudicated rapist and convicted felon, who is the GOP nominee for President, put forth a statement in a press conference immediately following saying: “I didn’t choose Vance. I don’t even know who is. Who is he? He wrote a book, I hear. It was terrible. Nobody liked it. My choice is and has always been Hannibal Lecter. Hannibal, I’ve known him for years. Great guy, the best. A tough guy. That’s what we need. Two tough guys to keep the world in line. Nobody will mess with Trump and Hannibal.”
Trump, the twice impeached, four-time indicted former president then took questions from reporters in attendance. When asked by a reporter from this publication whether he – Trump – was aware that “Hannibal Lecter is a fictitious character and not an actual person,” Trump replied, “That was a rude and nasty question from a failing reporter at the failing fake news Leuterers News Service. Who even let you in here, Weinhard? Whoever did, they’re fired.”
Trump, the near octogenarian who has recently exhibited alarming signs of quickly advancing dementia, was then asked by a Fox News reporter how Vance had been put on the ticket to which Trump replied, “That’s the thing, if I don’t do everything myself, nothing gets done right. I don’t know who picked him. He’s weird. I’m not weird and people who aren’t weird, don’t pick weird people as VP choices. I’m not weird. Everyone knows I’m not weird. They tell me, President Trump, you’re not weird. They tell me I’m the least weird person they’ve ever known. Probably the least weird person since Jesus. And Jesus was not weird.”
Trump took no further questions and spent the next hour on stump speech issues such as the hazards of electrocution from electric boats sinking under their own weight, the perils of dismemberment from shark attacks while escaping from sinking electric boats, water pressure from showerheads, his perfect hair, and “Kamala, Kamala, Kamala and the terrible, horrible, America destroying democrats.”