The Kremlin, Moscow:
Earlier today Russian President For Life, Vladimir Putin signed into law new provisions into his pre-existing Anti-Smiling laws. Kremlin spokesperson Ivan Boris Thugavitch explained to reporters, “Is no big deal. Smiling outlawed 200 years ago in Russia. And what little happiness there was, we locked away with Pussy Riot in 2009. But where it crops up, it is destabilizing and will be dealt with harshly. But no problem here in Russia. We know happiness is, how you say, over-rated. And we know it is invention of imperialist dogs in west.
“There is no story here for you reporters. Russians never happy anyway. Russians tough. Best in world. We don’t need happiness. We live in frozen wasteland under thumb of czars, dictators, mob bosses, mob boss czars, dictator mob bosses and now dictator czar mob boss. Who could be happy here anyway?”
Mr. Thugavitch refused to answer reporters’ questions and added, “New penalties will be merciful, limiting fines equal only to all offender owns. And offender will be given choice. Go fight in Ukraine, go Siberian slave labor camp, go be shot in head. Is Russian freedom. Is Russian justice. Best in world.”