Mill Valley, California man Evan Neumann, evading the FBI on charges related to his violent attacks on police officers at the Capitol Building on January 6th, 2021 has been granted asylum in Belarus.
The frozen tundra of Belarus and its stark Soviet era concrete buildings has long made it a garden vacation spot for country hopping law evading morons. And the Belarus puppet government under the thumb of mass murderer, war criminal, and dictator of Russia, Vladimir Putin creates further draw for absolute imbeciles.
“Mill Valley, California…no big. Sure it’s in a free society, has great weather, gentle rolling hills, redwood trees, the beauty of Mt. Tamalpais, a vibrant arts community with quick access to the Pacific Ocean and San Francisco. So what, it’s nothing but a poor cousin to Belarus,” stated the 49 year old Neumann in a press conference just across the Belarus border from Ukraine. “And my radical, liberal, socialist agenda mother told me I had to get out of the basement and go get a job. Well I showed her. They’re going to give me a great job here in Belarus. There are tons of great jobs here. Belarus is great.” Neumann completed his statement saying, “And Belarus has Minsk. I’m looking forward to visiting Minsk. And after that I think I’ll visit Minsk again.”
According to an FBI spokesperson the bureau is now considering the case closed and is offering all January 6th insurrectionists free one way plane tickets to Belarus. “It’s a win-win. We save the cost of rounding up and prosecuting these morons and the morons get the totalitarian government of their wildest dreams.”