In a press conference today California State Attorney General Rob Bonta announced an immediate ban on negative thinking. A smiling Bonta stated, “Once again California is first in the nation and is leading the way. Today I am enacting a complete and total ban on negative thinking. The ban will begin immediately. From this point on fines from $200.00 to $1000.00 will be levied against negative thinkers. The exact amount of the fine will be based on the severity of the negative thought. Repeat offenders will be politely asked to move to Arizona or one of the other forty nine irrelevant states.”
Amid a maelstrom of questions from clamoring reporters Bonta, unfazed, continued, “The State is partnering with Apple, Google, Facebook and the fine folks at Palantir to provide thought monitoring through proprietary algorithms and other safe and organic means which are entirely secure and will not violate privacy in any way, shape or form. But the system will not go live until tomorrow. So for today I’m counting on all citizens of the Great State of California to use the honor system and please report yourself immediately upon thinking anything negative. And please be prepared to pay any fine levied. You can easily do all this in two simple steps using the handy app, Keep California Positive which is now ready for immediate download.”
Bonta concluded by saying he would not be taking any questions from reporters since that was the surest way for him to slip up and have to report himself for negative thinking and “how would that look?” Before leaving the podium Bonta finished by saying, “Happy citizens of Our Great State, this is an easy thing to do. And if you have any trouble with even an inkling of a negative thought just open your app and you will see me, Rob Bonta, and my smile. Now that’s positive!
