Leuterers Legal Desk, Washington, D.C.
In a press conference earlier today US Attorney General Pam Bondi announced emergency measures to deal with Tesla’s (TSLA:NASDAQ) falling stock price.
Bondi, wearing all black and removing a military style cap with what appeared to be an SS emblazoned upon it before speaking, said,
“We will not sit quietly while domestic terrorists short Tesla stock or say mean things on social media which hurt Elon’s feelings. Elon is a great man, and a sensitive man. He only wants what is best for Americans and all of humanity. His companies are literally saving Americans from themselves. Just look at X. Elon has filtered out all the fake MSM and radical leftist propaganda to expose and algorithmically amplify his messages of truth so you don’t have to anymore. Americans are busy people. Americans don’t have time to weed through all that democratic garbage spewed by enemies of the state. And it’s time we at the Justice Department lend a helping hand.”
Bondi continued with,
“Beginning today, the Justice Department will enact the Tesla Law. This law will impose minimum prison sentences of ten years on those who short Tesla stock in an attempt to bring down an American institution, and five years on anyone posting hurtful words or images disparaging Elon Musk. And if those words or images make him cry, as I said, he’s a sensitive man, that sentence will be increased two-fold to ten years. Additionally, rewards of $25 gift certificates to Applebees will be given out to all patriotic Americans who report offenders of the Tesla Law.”
When asked by this reporter if her choice of all black to wear at the press conference might imply a more military strongarm style of leading the Justice Department, Ms. Bondi, donning her hat, replied, “Wait until you see the leather outfit, Weinhard. And hey, the rest of you, you want an Applebees gift card? Report this guy.”
Bondi took no more questions stating, “People, there’s nothing else you need to know about this law. As long as you follow it you will not be visited in the dead of night by DOGE sub-contracted masked private sector agents with automatic weapons, so breathe easy, relax, we’ve got this.”