President-Elect Joe Biden has agreed to heed his aides’ advice and will begin wearing a shock collar whenever addressing the American public. The shock collar will administer a mild zap to President-Elect Biden whenever he goes off script and attempts to add-lib a witticism or clever idiom.
Biden Aides Spokesperson Shawanda Goldberg-Sanchez said to a Leuterers reporter, “He’s not bad when he stays on script, on the teleprompter but the second he goes off we’re headed for trouble. The bottom line is he doesn’t do wittiness well or for that matter cleverness either. The mild zap we hit him with will simply remind him to stay on track.”
Goldberg-Sanchez explained, “By using the shock collar we’re not saying he isn’t the most clever and witty guy in the room, but we’re not saying he is either. The thing to focus on here, the most important thing to remember is that he’s got a pulse and he’s not Trump. So let’s just count our lucky stars on that one, you know. And the shock collar thing is no big deal. I’ve been using it on my husband for years and he likes it, he says it makes living with me much easier.”