Russian President-For-Life Vladimir Putin today announced he would award The Hero of the Russian Federation medal to outgoing President Trump and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, the Republican Senator from Kentucky.
Putin was quoted by the official Russian News Agency Tass as saying, “Never in our wildest dreams could we Russians have wreaked such havoc upon the imperialist capitalist dogs of America as Heroes Trump and McConnell have done as Americans. Stalin, Malenkov, Khrushchev, Brezhnev, even the idiots Yeltsin and Gorbachev all had their plans. They all tried as have I. And all of us have caused damage to the dogs of the West to one degree or another but Trump and McConnell, Mother Russia will forever be in your debt.”
The award ceremony will take place in Moscow on January 21st, 2021 on the day outgoing President Trump is expected to break ground on his new Moscow hotel, casino and indoor 9-hole golf course, TrumPutin Towers and Resort. In gratitude for Trump and McConnell’s great work Putin has promised to streamline all zoning, plan and site review processes for the 10 city block construction project. “Permits will be no problem,” Putin said. He also said he’d award both Trump and McConnell with, “A Black Sea dacha and all else that comes with it, if you know what I mean, heh, heh, heh.”