Leuterers Campaign Desk, Tempe, AZ
Earlier today, Donald Trump, JD Vance, and Elon Musk appeared in a press conference to address allegations of being nothing but horse’s asses.
Trump began the event by speaking for an hour praising the Russian dictator and mass murderer, Vladimir Putin.
Vance then gave a brief supportive statement, “I’m with him,” before Trump cut him off saying, “Ok, fine, we know that, now shut up and let Elon speak.”
Musk then addressed reporters with barely intelligible mumblings about the “dangers of the woke virus,” before he too was cut off by Trump who said, “Ok Elon, that’s fine, have you ever seen Elon jump? He can jump. Jump, Elon. Show the people, jump.”
At which point Musk began to jump and down on the stage repeatedly as Trump stated, “Look at that, I tell the richest man in the world to jump, and he jumps. Could a horse’s ass do that? No. And if he could, he’d be the highest rated, most loved horse’s ass in American history, maybe world history. Probably world history.”
Reporters were finally given a chance to ask questions, with a reporter from this publication leading, “Mr. Trump, as a four time indicted convicted felon along with your two impeachments and status as an adjudicated rapist, along with being an admirer and supporter of sworn enemies of America, including a fascination with Adolph Hitler, how do you respond to the numerous claims from all across the country that you are nothing but a horse’s ass?”
Trump replied, “Elon, stop jumping, you’re annoying me. And you, Weinhard, what is it with you and your nasty questions. This guy, Panther Weinhard, has been out to get me for years. Elon, buy Leuterers News Service and fire that guy. But first jump some more. You look goofy as hell. Doesn’t he look goofy as hell jumping like that? He looks goofy anyway, but moreso when he jumps, but he’s rich. Oh, he’s rich. And he loves Trump, loves Trump.”
Following that, Trump abruptly ignored further questions, ordered Vance to begin singing, at which point he did so in an apparently surgically enhanced high tenor at which point Trump began to dance to Ave Maria while Musk continued jumping.