Following this evening’s soul crushing defeat of the 9-1 Oregon Ducks at the hands of the 7-3 Utah Utes, Oregon Governor Kate Brown declared a state of emergency for all Duck fans. She warned, “I’m ordering Duck fans to shelter in place. You guys were number three in the nation. You lost. To the Utes. If you must leave your homes wear a paper bag over your head. Put away your Kenny Wheaton jerseys and lay low.”
Brown, an unconfirmed Oregon State Beaver fan confirmed rumors that Nike overlord Phil Knight is threatening to move the University of Oregon Ducks to Los Angeles. Brown concluded her remarks saying, “I spoke to Mr. Knight earlier this evening. He’s really mad and he said if the Ducks lose to the Beavers again, that’s the end of football in Eugene.”