Faint sounds from the Carl Sagan Golden Record have reached Jupiter. The recording was placed aboard the Voyager spacecraft which launched in 1976. The Golden Record contains greetings in 55 languages, messages about world and planetary peace, and a copy of the Fifth Dimension song “Age of Aquarius”.
Attorneys for the giant planet released the following statement: “We heard the lyrics to that song, as that little tin can flew by. We have never aligned ourselves with Mars. Those damn Martians never did a single thing for us. We sit out here frozen, icy, and full of gas. We’re sick of people taking advantage of us. We have fifty-three named moons. One of those little buggars are always in the Seventh House. We feel we were left out of the money side of this deal and we demand a settlement!”
The statement went on to say: “That Bobby Davis Jr. and Marilyn McCoo sang all dreamy and romantic about us and what have we gotten for it. Nada, zip, kaplooey. We want some cash. We’ve been out here for 4.6 billion years. We’ve developed a big age spot. We are a planet with problems. Our economy could use an infusion of cash about now.”
This reporter contacted Jupiter’s spokesperson and asked for a comment about another issue listed in the lawsuit for the solar system’s largest planet, the giant wooden Jupiter rollercoaster located at the Kijima Kogen amusement park in Japan. The spokesperson said in a statement, “Don’t even get started. That roller coaster is another thorn in the side of this sad, depressed planet. We would also like to be compensated for the Jupiter Tilt a Whirl, located at the Fun Land Amusement Park in Ocean City, New Jersey. Those kids have been puking on Jupiter for too long.”
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